After my performance in Sunday's 10K, I've been obsessing about running faster. I mentioned in a previous post that I promoted myself to running with the NYRR Advanced Intermediate Group in my quest for speed. Perhaps I was a bit rash. Last night I could not complete the workout. We did half-mile speed drills from 99 to 102 Street across the transverse. The first time out I was behind the coach in the Advanced Intermediate group. We ran it in less than 4 minutes. Needless to say, I didn't make it past the 102nd Street transverse on the way back. I dropped back a group. Coach Shelly Glover's group. I don't recall the time. I stayed behind her though. Then we ran a set back up to 102 and across again. Fine, but I tanked on the way back. I didn't make it back down to 99 without stopping. I ran slowly back to the school with a guy named Ernie. He was able to stick with Advanced Intermediates during the workout but was having a hard time running back to the school. Nice guy, that Ernie. I told him we'd help each other back without stopping. We made it.
Depression set in. I was ready to drop everything last night. The half marathon on the 14th. The marathon training. Running. The diet. Why am I doing this? Some quest for perfection?
Well, I'm trying to get over it now. Trying to put it all in perspective. I am still a beginner. I have never run further than 13 miles. I am not going to be really fast yet. That will come in time. My average pace for the 10K was 10:55. That isn't great, but it's not terrible. I need to stop comparing myself to other people. Betty Eng ran the race and she did it in 49 minutes. I felt like such a loser when I found that out. I was all proud of my time but now I feel like a chump. Well, I need to get over that. Betty's been running for a long time. I need to stop comparing myself to Kim, my co-worker who has run 8 marathons. I looked up her race times too and she runs at about an 8 minute pace. I need to stop comparing myself to Clarence. He told me he ran 10 miles last night at a 9:30 pace. I need to stop comparing myself to Bobby's girlfriend, Kathy. She runs 10 miles a day, everyday.
It's frustrating. I feel like I'll never get to that point. I feel like I'm stuck in place. But really, it is impossible that I won't continue to improve. I am faster and fitter than I was last year. I beat my previous 10K time and my previous 4 mile time. I have a goal to beat my previous half-marathon time. I will continue to make PR's. I will keep getting better.
So far, I have blown off cross-training this week and have not been out to run on my own. My last post had me going out to do 20 miles. That may not happen this week and it's ok. I need to get my head back into this game. Stick with the diet. Stick with the running. Small steps to the finish. It was stupid and ill-advised to go from 16 miles a week to 20 in just one week. That is just a recipe for injury. I should be adding only 1-2 miles a week. In a couple of weeks I will be at 20 miles a week — a good base to build up to the marathon.
I'll get there.
As far as the diet goes, I still haven't weighed myself. I'm a little afraid, truth be told. I don't want to be disappointed. What if I haven't lost anything? I know that is unrealistic since my pants are falling off me, but I'm still worried. And Clay is such a darling. He said I'm getting too skinny. I love that man. (Don't worry, baby. I won't ever lose my ass. It's here to stay. Even at my smallest, my butt pokes out.) But what if I'm only at 148 or 147? Would I be able to handle that? I feel like I should be at 145 by now. I can't even remember the last time I weighed myself, but I should have lost at least 5 pounds by now. And I haven't cheated on the diet at all. Three bites of sweet potato pie is totally allowed. As are beef ribs. Ugh! There I go obsessing again.