i might be wrong

It had to be done.

digitaltammi.com has been resurrected. I would love to say I'm back and better than ever or that this blog is new and improved. I guess that could be true if you squint your eyes and turn your head sideways. I'm back but ain't no better.

I think I started this blog back in 2001. I was 20 pounds lighter. I was a road cycling warrior. I tore up the streets on my roller blades. I could not be stopped. It's 2007 and things have changed. To my dismay I became one of those women who finds a good man and then lets herself go. It had to be said. I just let myself go. It may have been an unconscious decision, but I did make a choice to stop exercising. I never really ate right, so at least I can't beat myself up for that. In fact, I've eaten better since being with Clay. The man can cook. He loves to feed me and I love his food. If only I'd kept up the exercise. I guess I got lazy.

At the end of 2006, I found myself a whopping 165.5 pounds. I saw it happening, but I couldn't believe it was happening to me. It was like watching some other me go through this transformation. Those were not my thighs rubbing together on a hot August day. That wasn't my belly being strangled in my favorite pair of jeans. That wasn't my ass growing so wide I could no longer fit into the middle seat on the subway. That was some other chick.

Several things occurred in the last few months to make me realize it was time to lose weight. Late last year some delivery guy asked me if I was pregnant. I met my sister one day and she poked me in the belly and said, "What's this!" I was hanging out with my mother and she said, "Wow, Tammi with a stomach. Get outta here." My boss' mother came to the office and found me in the kitchen and she said, "I should have known you'd be by the food." I tried to take up running last year, but I kept eating heavy food so I never lost weight and I felt horrible whenever I went for a run. Time for a change.

I'm happy in my relationship and happy that I have a man who likes to cook because I hate cooking but I'm not happy about the 35.5 pound weight gain.

On January 2, 2007 I decided to take action. I would start a diet and exercise plan and stick with it. It would be a lifestyle change. I started the South Beach diet and started running several times a week and so far I've lost 15.5 pounds. Don't congratulate me. I still have 20 more to go and I want to drop them before my birthday.

In hindsight, the first 15.5 pounds were not so hard to lose. I haven't slipped (had a couple of close calls but Clay saved me from myself) and I've followed the rules. I've kept up the running for the most part, even running in the cold. I've run two 4 mile races, improving my time to a personal record of 41:28 in the last race. But I'm starting to feel burnt out. I'm tired of salad for lunch and dinner. I'm tired of running in the cold. I'm tired of foregoing pie and cake when there's a celebration. I'm tired of being the only one out of my dinner pals who is making healthy choices. I'm tired of following the rules.

I know this is temporary and I'll get over it. Just need to vent.

Yesterday I ran 7.52 miles. That is the longest run I've had since running the Nike Half Marathon last year. It felt good to get out there. I blew off running every day last week because I was tired of running in the cold. Yesterday it was a balmy 39 degrees when I went out. It was so liberating. I've had a lot on my mind lately with our upcoming move and I have been feeling a little stressed. Being out on the road with my iPod and my favorite songs really helped me get a little perspective on things. I really felt like I could run forever yesterday. I ran from my house through Clinton Hill and Fort Greene to the Brooklyn Bridge, over the bridge and back home. My coaches voices were in my head as I dug in with my elbows and took smaller steps while quickening my pace as I took on the incline of the Brooklyn Bridge. I've been beaten by the bridge in the past but not yesterday. I ran the damn thing. I wasn't even that winded after. Next time I'll run it harder.

Today I went to the grocery store to buy a loaf of bread. I went to the Bravo supermarket over here on Nostrand Avenue. The South Beach Diet only allows me to have whole wheat bread. Since being on this diet I'm always careful to check the ingredients. There is no sugar allowed on this diet and I like to make sure none creeps in.

My loaf of whole wheat Dutch Country bread lists high fructose corn syrup as the third ingredient. It's so frustrating that I can't buy a damned loaf of bread around here that doesn't have HFC in it. I usually go to Whole Foods to buy The Baker bread but I didn't get around to it last week. It's so annoying that I have to go to Union Square to get a decent loaf of bread, organic fruits and veggies, or better quality food. Bed Stuy needs better choices. I can buy fried chicken, donuts, and chinese food but I can't find organic oranges or grapefruits. I can't find decent brown rice or decent bread. Just crappy Wonder Bread of Dutch Country. It's just not right.

Little Kiera Deneese may not receive her new baby booties. After finishing the booties in record time, I discovered that one bootie is much bigger than the other. Not sure how this happened, but it probably has to do with the call to switch needles from size 1 to size 3. Must have forgotten to switch to the size 3's. Oops. What to do? Little Kiera is the second child to my friend Dorla's sister Nympha. I made her son Kyle a chocolate brown blanket with deep orange and rich green stripes. I started to knit a dark pinkish red blanket for Kiera but the pattern is so intricate and it's taking such a long time. If I work on it when I'm sleppy I often screw up the pattern and have to knit backwards until I correct my mistake. I wanted to make her something cute and quick and thought booties were the way to go.

The booties were done in 2 days. Unfortunately they appear to be made for a mutant baby. Guess it's back to the drawing board on the booties.

Clay loves me.

As a way to help me relax about our upcoming move, he surprised me with a visit to the spa. It was truly fantastic. I was supposed to run a race this weekend but I've been sick with nasty cold the whole week so I didn't run. But we woke up early Saturday morning anyway because Clay had a surprise for me. I thought we were going out for brunch somewhere fancy. Boy, was I wrong.

We head to midtown, avoiding the St. Patrick's day parade and end up at 49th Street and Madison Avenue. We go into this office building and I'm still thinking we're going out to eat. Maybe the restaurant is hidden in this office building. I mean, Sakagura, a great Japanese restaurant is in the basement of a nondescript building in midtown, so it wasn't a stretch for me to continue to think my surprise was breakfast. We ride the elevator to the 4th floor and get out. I don't smell any food. There is a sign on a table that reads 422 Madison Spa & Holistic Center. "Surprise! You're getting a spa day!" Clay says.

I still don't understand. I'm confused. I thought we were going to breakfast. I just stare at him. The woman behind the counter tries to show me to a changing room. All I can say is, "What!" I look at Clay and I'm still confused. "You're getting a half-day spa treatment," he says. I have to sit down. I don't understand. I plop down on the couch and stare at the wall. Then I get up and hug Clay because I can't believe how good he is to me. I finally understand and I love him so much. What a wonderful and unexpected surprise. I keep hugging him and I laugh and I'm ready for anything. But then I'm torn because I really just wanted to spend the day with him and I don't want him to leave. I don't want to let him go. But I don't mention that. I let him leave and thank him for the best gift ever and the spa lady takes me away.

I change into a robe and they make me a cup of fruity tea. I sit on a couch and smile. I'm am a lucky woman. I drink my tea and the spa lady comes back to take me to the sauna. I'm led into a room that has a small private sauna. I sit on the bench and soak in the heat. It feels good. I had been very congested but my sinuses begin to clear. I close my eyes and listen to the music they're piping into the sauna. I'm relaxed for the first time in weeks.

A light tap on the door lets me know it's time to come out. They're ready for my hot rock massage. This was my first hot rock massage and it will not be my last. The masseuse, Dora, is not too rough and not too gentle. I'm a wimp so I don't really like rough massages and I'm thankful that this one was damn near perfect. The heat from the rocks was soothing. I didn't want it to end, but after about an hour, it did. Dora left the room to let me relax for a bit more and when she came to fetch me she informed me that it was time for my facial.

Well, all right. I'm ready for this. I could use a facial. My skin's been breaking out from stress. This is just what I need. I go in to the facial room and Margeriete works on me. This was a great facial, complete with microdermabrasion, oxygen injections, an oxygen mask and replenishing mask. My face felt cleaner and looked healthier than it's ever felt. I think I was glowing.

After another cup of hot tea, it was time for my reflexology. I've always wanted to try reflexology. I run and my feet hurt all the time. Since I had taken the last 2 weeks off from running, I couldn't fully appreciated the experience, I'm sure, but it was great and I will definitely do it again and again. It's a gentle foot massage. So relaxing and I nearly fell asleep during it.

After reflexology, I called Clay and we met up for brunch at Dos Caminos and I told him all about the experience. I still can hardly believe this happened. What a wonderful man I have. He really makes me feel special. Did I say I love him? I love him and I'm so ready for us to live together.

It's official.

I'm making this declaration because Clay and I purchased our first major appliances today... a washer and dryer. I can hardly believe it. I own something that is built to last many years. What a strange feeling.

Shopping is not new to me, but this is different. It's not disposable. It won't go out of style next year. I can't give it away when I get tired of it. I own it with someone else. We bought it together. This is a major milestone in my life.

They're done and they're adorable. Now, on to the next project. I've got so many projects in progress... baby blanket for Kiera, Circle of Pursuit afghan I started a year ago, I have to re-knit a black neck warmer that turned out too big, some leg warmers i'm going to rip out and knit a needle holder instead. I am going to resist starting a new project until I finish one of these other projects. We'll see how that goes.

Clay wrote in to remind me that I have a scarf in progress for him. I started it weeks ago while we were in Philadelphia for the weekend. I bought the yarn from Sophie's Yarns in the fabric district. I absolutely love this shop. While I was there I met Lindsay and she helped Clay and I pick out yarns for the scarf. This scarf is worked with 5 strands of yarn held together. Unfortunately, I did not keep the yarn wrappers so I don't know which yarns I'm using. I know there is a wine colored Cascade 220, two strands of tweed yarn in orange, a black bamboo yarn, and another yarn that is wine colored and spiraled in a lighter colored wine yarn.

I'm out of that spiraled yarn, unfortunately. I thought I'd found it on the Purl website. The yarn arrived today. Not only is it the wrong yarn, it's pink. Not gonna work for the scarf. I added some Manos de Uruguay burgundy yarn, but I'm not really sure I like it.

The scarf is being knit on size 17 needles. Clay wants it to be quite long and I think I'm about a third of the way done. I promised him this would be the next project I finish. I will keep my word.

After taking 2 weeks off, I'm back to running. I was very afraid of going to class last night because I didn't think I'd be able to keep up with the group. I exceeded expectations and had the best run this season. We did the 4 mile loop last night in near perfect weather conditions. I ran it in 40:15 seconds. That is fast for me. It's almost 10 minute pace.

You know what else, at the end of the run, several people started to pass me. One woman passed me and said, "Good run." I said the same to her, but then it bugged me. "I'll show you a good run," I thought to myself. I put the hammer down and passed everyone of those people who passed me. I sprinted the last 200 or 300 yards in to the finish with a sense of pride. Yes, I kicked ass last night. I will kick ass again tomorrow night.

Dorla sent me an email with a link to a story about a 14 year old Black girl who was given 7 years in prison for pushing a hall monitor. The story is in the Chicago Tribune. I can't link to it so here it is:

*****

To some in Paris, sinister past is back

In Texas, a white teenager burns down her family's home and receives probation. A black one shoves a hall monitor and gets 7 years in prison. The state NAACP calls it `a signal to black folks.'

By Howard Witt
Tribune senior correspondent
Published March 12, 2007

PARIS, Texas -- The public fairgrounds in this small east Texas town look ordinary enough, like so many other well-worn county fair sites across the nation. Unless you know the history of the place.

There are no plaques or markers to denote it, but several of the most notorious public lynchings of black Americans in the late 19th and early 20th Centuries were staged at the Paris Fairgrounds, where thousands of white spectators would gather to watch and cheer as black men were dragged onto a scaffold, scalded with hot irons and finally burned to death or hanged.

Brenda Cherry, a local civil rights activist, can see the fairgrounds from the front yard of her modest home, in the heart of the "black" side of this starkly segregated town of 26,000. And lately, Cherry says, she's begun to wonder whether the racist legacy of those lynchings is rebounding in a place that calls itself "the best small town in Texas."

"Some of the things that happen here would not happen if we were in Dallas or Houston," Cherry said. "They happen because we are in this closed town. I compare it to 1930s."

There was the 19-year-old white man, convicted last July of criminally negligent homicide for killing a 54-year-old black woman and her 3-year-old grandson with his truck, who was sentenced in Paris to probation and required to send an annual Christmas card to the victims' family.

There are the Paris public schools, which are under investigation by the U.S. Education Department after repeated complaints that administrators discipline black students more frequently, and more harshly, than white students.

And then there is the case that most troubles Cherry and leaders of the Texas NAACP, involving a 14-year-old black freshman, Shaquanda Cotton, who shoved a hall monitor at Paris High School in a dispute over entering the building before the school day had officially begun.

The youth had no prior arrest record, and the hall monitor--a 58-year-old teacher's aide--was not seriously injured. But Shaquanda was tried in March 2006 in the town's juvenile court, convicted of "assault on a public servant" and sentenced by Lamar County Judge Chuck Superville to prison for up to 7 years, until she turns 21.

Just three months earlier, Superville sentenced a 14-year-old white girl, convicted of arson for burning down her family's house, to probation.

"All Shaquanda did was grab somebody and she will be in jail for 5 or 6 years?" said Gary Bledsoe, an Austin attorney who is president of the state NAACP branch. "It's like they are sending a signal to black folks in Paris that you stay in your place in this community, in the shadows, intimidated."

The Tribune generally does not identify criminal suspects younger than age 17, but is doing so in this case because the girl and her family have chosen to go public with their story.

None of the officials involved in Shaquanda's case, including the local prosecutor, the judge and Paris school district administrators, would agree to speak about their handling of it, citing a court appeal under way.

But the teen's defenders assert that long before the September 2005 shoving incident, Paris school officials targeted Shaquanda for scrutiny because her mother had frequently accused school officials of racism.

Retaliation alleged

"Shaquanda started getting written up a lot after her mother became involved in a protest march in front of a school," said Sharon Reynerson, an attorney with Lone Star Legal Aid, who has represented Shaquanda during challenges to several of the disciplinary citations she received. "Some of the write-ups weren't fair to her or accurate, so we felt like we had to challenge each one to get the whole story."

Among the write-ups Shaquanda received, according to Reynerson, were citations for wearing a skirt that was an inch too short, pouring too much paint into a cup during an art class and defacing a desk that school officials later conceded bore no signs of damage.

Shaquanda's mother, Creola Cotton, does not dispute that her daughter can behave impulsively and was sometimes guilty of tardiness or speaking out of turn at school--behaviors that she said were manifestations of Shaquanda's attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, for which the teen was taking prescription medication.

Nor does Shaquanda herself deny that she pushed the hall monitor after the teacher's aide refused her permission to enter the school before the morning bell--although Shaquanda maintains that she was supposed to have been allowed to visit the school nurse to take her medication, and that the teacher's aide pushed her first.

But Cherry alleges that Shaquanda's frequent disciplinary write-ups, and the insistence of school officials at her trial that she deserved prison rather than probation for the shoving incident, fits in a larger pattern of systemic discrimination against black students in the Paris Independent School District.

In the past five years, black parents have filed at least a dozen discrimination complaints against the school district with the federal Education Department, asserting that their children, who constitute 40 percent of the district's nearly 4,000 students, were singled out for excessive discipline.

*****

If you're reading this post, please, write the media. Write politicians. Write the governor of Texas. Blog about it. More people need to know about this. Get the word out to everyone you know. This should not be allowed to happen.

My knee hurts. This is not good. My knee hurts and I need it to stop. I have races to run and training to complete. I can not be injured. I don't have time for it.

This week I started running with the Advanced Intermediate group. They run faster and further in that group and I wanted to run faster and further. I was just above a 10 minute mile in the last time trial we did so I thought moving up would shave a few seconds off my time. It has. Last night we ran 1 mile speed and hill drills. I ran a 7:56 for the first mile. The second mile was 8:30. Even though I tanked on that second drill, I still made good time. Well, good time aside, my knee is fucked today.

It hurts at the knee cap. I did a quick search on Posted on March 30, 2007 12:11 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)